Being a Pansy

Yesterday was probably one of my worst mornings in here yet. I again, couldnt sleep until about 2am and then when I finally reached some deep sleep my bladder decided to poke me awake again. And then again every hour after that. I dont think after those initial couple of hours of sleep I slept properly at all. I was just dreaming and dozing about needing the loo. So when the sun had risen and it wasnt a 'getting to sleep' atmosphere anymore, my mood for the day was set- tired and emotional. I cried when the dinner lady asked me if i wanted any breakfast, i cried when laura came in to check my obs, i cried when my surgeon came round and shouted 'ANY LEAKING?' like he normally does (poor guy didnt know what to do, he offered me counselling and then tried to scurry away in confusion). I was a mess. The staff were tiptoeing around me all morning bless them. I honestly dont know what hit me all so hard. I kind of just wanted to be on my own away from anyone so i could pull myself together and get over it, but jobs need to be done and I was having to rear my head in public to piss every half an hour too...

I heard on the grape vine I had been discharged by endocrinology, which would have meant I could go home once this infection was sorted. But I was pissing like a fountain and drinking as if my stomach was bottomless yesterday and that evidently showed my medication to control my fluid levels wasnt right. Which then means im still having endocrine issues and Im not actually clear to go.

I know its trivial in the grand scheme of things but I can't go on the holidays i planned this summer because its too dangerous to be in a hot country if i cant keep myself hydrated and now my family have to rearrange their planned holiday to stay somewhere close by in the UK. I was just so frustrated cause I feel as if this stupid disease is controlling my life and burdening everyone elses. Before my first surgery i was so optimistic thinking that theyd be able to pop it out and then done. Remission. Have to keep an eye on any tell tale signs of timmy returning, but can live a normal life like everyone else. But since being told it was aggressive, that it had spread to the bone and having to have the whole gland cut away at to a point that theyre not sure if it has any function at all I feel as if its slowly consuming more and more of my life. 

I cant be arsed with all these restrictions ! Im gonna have to always be in close proximity of a toilet, always gonna have to be able to access a hell of a lot of water to maintain my intake/output balance, cant be trusted in the heat (as it stands) and i just feel very needy and different from everyone else. Which i hate. I dont wanna be the one that people have to look out for or have to work their plans around. 

Anyway, the endocrinologists are working hard to get me figured out so they can put me on the right medication and enable me to live the same way as everyone else. Whether theyll find the answers soon is a different question but i know theyre trying their hardest. Why have i gotta be so god damn difficult!!! Anyway, the day went on, i saw my nan in the afternoon and my dad and sister brought me nandos for dinner so im going to bed feeling a lot more settled and positive than i was this morning. My fave nurse alvaro is also signed to me tonight so thats made me happy. Good days, bad days. I guess thats life for ya.